Question of the Day: How soon is too soon to move in together?
My answer is that a month is definitely too soon. I have ben dating a lovely young lady for a little over a month, and she wants us to move in together. Usually, in situations like this, I would end it and walk away. To me, that’s a red flag, and I pay attention to red flags. This time however, its a bit different. I really like her, and I think we have potential to build something solid. I just think its way too soon for us to be living together. Us as lesbian, we tend to move fast when it comes to relationships but I like to take my time. As much as I try to explain that to her, she has a hard time grasping that for some reason. Her reasoning is that she already does everything for me, so what difference would it make if she was here all the time? That is true, she does take care of me; she cooks, cleans and does a lot of little things to make my day go by without a hitch. For all that she does, I am more than grateful. But the more she talks about it, the more I think she’s crazy! I know I am a good catch but she’s trying too hard to latch on. I have no idea what to do. I like her a lot, but she’s moving too fast for me. I may be overthinking it, as I tend to do everything else.
If you can’t find happiness within yourself, you will never truly be happy. Never allow anyone to define your happiness. That is a lesson I had to learn. I have always done what I thought other people expected me to do; like marrying a man, have babies and build a family. That was what was expected of young girls growing up in Jamaica. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that there was more out in the world for me to see. I was 12 years old before I saw a white person and it was not until I moved to the US that I saw two men holding hands. I had generations and generations of heterosexual traditions imbedded in my brain. So when I stared to develop feeling that went against those traditions, I didn’t know what the appropriate response was. Instead , I chose to suppress my attraction towards women. That worked for some time, but the feelings eventually got the best of me. I couldn’t suppress them anymore and that resulted in an internal civil war. If I decided to a upon my feelings, what would my family say or worse, what would they do? So to keep the peace, I suffered. Eventually, I learned to accept me for me. The point I am trying to make is that I had to find and do what makes me happy and stop trying to please others. I am a woman that does not have to be with a man in order to be happy, and I am happy with that. Those same people that you’re am trying to please are sleeping quite comfortable at night while you’re restless and miserable. Something to think about. Find what makes you happy, then do it and live it.
The only thing I love more than being Jamaican is our food. I’ve put a list together of my top 10 favourite Jamaican foods to eat. There are so many to choose from, so some didn’t make the cut. Breadfruit, Oxtail Chocolate tea, callaloo and saltfish, jerk chicken are a few that didn’t make the cut. So forgive me, but I could only choose 10.
10. Chicken Foot Soup
9. Cornmeal porridge
8. Sugar Cane
7. Stew Peas
6. Saltfish Fritters (flittaz)
5. Patty and Cocoa Bread
4. Fry Fish and Festival (Elshire Beach)
3. East Indian Mangoes
2. Curry Goat (with peppa)
1. Ackee and Saltfish
Anyone that trulety knows me, knows that I am a private person. I don’t go aroung flauting my lifestyle nor do I go around telling everyone I am a lesbian. I also don’t hide my sexuality either. My family and close friends know that I am gay, and anyone outside of that circle is on a need to know basis only. There will come a time when you will have to come out to someone that is outside of that circle; a co-worker or a new friend for example. Granted, you are not obligated to divulge personal information to coworkers, but there will come a time where there is no way around it. Take the company Christmas party for example; when you show up with your partner. There will be whispers and there will be questions. My question would be do you tell them before hand or do you just show up? I don’t mean to announce it to the entire company, but more so the folks you work with on an everyday basis. I have purposely avoided social events with my coworkers for this very reason. I am unsure of the reaction I will receive and I don’t want to be stuck in an awkward situation. I don’t mind coming out again because every time I do, its so much easier than the last. My dilemma is when do I do it? Or do I even need to do it at all?
As for new friends, you have that invisible thin line between telling them too soon or too late. If you tell them too soon, they may think you have ulterior motives. On the other hand, if you wait too long to tell them, they may think you don’t value the friendship for you waited so long to tell him or her. For me, If and when I strongly feel that friend will not have an issue with me being a lesbian, that’s when I tell them. If I don’t have that comfort, then I just don’t address it. I remind myself that I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. I’m telling you for the simple fact that I value our relationship; and that’s how I think situations such as those should be approached. It’s not about them, its about you.
Doesn’t the Bible say homosexuality is a sin? I saw this question posted on social media today. I was about to respond, but though I’d share my views and opinions here. Yes, the Bible states that any man that lays with another man shall be put to death. The Bible also mentions several other sins that we have conveniently overlooked. According to the Bible, being a thief is an act of sin; but there are people that still do it. A murder is a sinner according to the Bible; but people still kill. An adulterer would be stoned to death according to the Bible; but we still have relations outside of wedlock and lay with thy neighbour’s wife. The biggest sin that I believe is plaguing Jamaicans is Envy(badmind). For some of us are so envious, we commit additional sins in the process of furthering our gains. Instead of working to buy the nice car we want, instead we decide to steal it from the person who has actually worked for theirs. Quite often, it doesn’t stop with stealing; it goes as far as senselessly taking another person’s life.
What about the inners that are raping our young women? What about those that are molesting our children? What about the parents that are aware of the molestation and do not intervene for fear of loosing financial support from the perpetrator? Why are we not as outspoken on these issues? Why do I not see rallies protesting these issues as I see for gay resistance? Why do we not have televised debates on how we are going to combat the sexual abuse of our women and children? As Jamaicans and as a nation, we need to do better. There are bigger fishes to fry than worrying about what two consenting adults are doing in their bedroom; and that is not according to the Bible.
October 11th is National Coming out Day in the U.S. This day is recognized by members of the LGBT community. Marking the 26th anniversary, this day is used to share personal stories of coming out of the closet with those who have not. With that being said, I would like to share my story of when I came out to my mother. As I shared before, I sought advice from a therapist to help me guide me through my process of accepting myself. After what I thought to be a very successful session, I got in my car, drove to my mother’s house and told her I needed to talk to her about something. She looked at me with this look like Uh Oh. I reassured her that there was no need to be worried. Once she sat down and looked me in the eye, I just blurted it out. “I’m gay”! What! was her initial response. I didn’t say anything, so she asked “What did you say”? I responded, “I Think you heard what I said”. She sat silent for maybe be two minutes. In that situation, two minutes is an eternity. Finally, she stood up with her arms outstretched and said, “You are my daughter, and I love you regardless”. That threw me for a loop, because I was not expecting that reaction. I was expecting to be cursed out to no end or being disowned. I was so taken back by her words that I just burst into tears. As my tears fell, so did hers. We hugged and cried. I walked away from that experience feeling as if I had just awaken from a two day sleep. I had built up so much anticipation for the worst and it worked out for the better. What that experience also gave me was confidence; the more people I told, the easier the conversation became. I am sharing this story because I know that there are a lot of others struggling with the same dilemma. Those who are afraid to come out for fear of the repercussions, fear of the unknown and even fear of loosing their families. Yes, it may be or seem difficult, but it is not impossible; I’m proof of that.
Once again, I have loved and lost. As much as I do not like to be unattached, I’d rather be single than be with someone I know is not worthy. In no way shape or form am I being conceited or self absorbed; It’s just that I refuse to settle for less than what I know I deserve. Before I enter into another relationship, I’m going to take some time and enjoy being by myself. This time, I’m going back to the drawing board. For some reason, my picker has been way off; and I mean way off. They start out being so cute and endearing, then turn out to be anything but. Then you have your liars and opportunists. It’s a struggle being a single lesbian these days. The pretty ones are the devil and the nice ones are taken. What’s a girl to do? What I’m not going to do is give up on finding love. I know the woman for me is out there and she will find me. I just hope she doesn’t drag her feet.