I’m in love with a girl but she doesn’t know. I was in love once before (with a man) but it never felt like this. Everything about her makes me soft inside. I feel like a school girl seeing her name when my phone rings. I smile when I wake up in the morning and see a text message from her. When she’s walking towards me, I want to run to her but my legs don’t move. If I could stay in her embrace forever, I would. I can’t stay mad at her when she makes me angry. The sweetest dreams are of me caressing her face. The touch of her fingertips make my entire body tingle. When she smiles, I smile. I daydream about us together doing nothing all the time. I love when she sings to me. She looks into my eyes and I feel as if she knows exactly what I’m thinking. I hate saying goodbye to her, so I make her wait until I’m asleep before she leaves. I want to take her in my arms, hold her close and dance slowly in sweet silence. When she’s laying on my chest, I wonder if she knows that the song my heart sings was written for her. I love the sound of her voice when she says my name. I love the way her eyes speak to me. She gives me comfort and peace of mind without knowing it. I love the way her eyes move as she dreams when she’s asleep facing me. I love how she wakes me up only to tell me to go back to sleep. The song that will be playing at our weeding is on repeat. I’m in love with a girl but this secret I must keep.
Have you ever had strong feelings for someone and wondered if they felt as strongly for you? You try to analyze it 50 different ways and still come up empty? You may have outlined your thoughts on paper to justify YES or NO. Well here I am, head over heels in lone with a girl but I don’t know if I should tell her. I’m hesitant to tell her because I don’t know if she feels the same and I don’t like getting my feelings hurt. I try to make my determination based on her actions but doing so have left a bit of uncertainty. She treats me very well and she always manages to leave me speechless with some of the things she does. She sends me sweet messages when I’m asleep, so that the first thing I do in the morning is smile. She touches me softly and loves to hug me. Then there are times when she won’t hold my hand. My heart is saying yes she loves me, but my head is not in agreement. In all honesty, I would love it if the feeling was mutual but I have not the slightest clue if it is. As I’ve come to a roadblock, I’m left with one solution; count petals. Does she love me or does she love me not?
This is another one of my many sleepless nights. This time however, I know why I cant sleep. I am currently involved in a situation with a young lady and I am not sure if I should walk away or continue the relationship. I know in my heart that she is not the one for me, but I really enjoy her company. I get around her and I light up. She makes me laugh and she is a complete sweetheart. The ability to make me laugh is one of the things I look for in a woman. I am conflicted and not sure what to do. My mother always told me to go with my first instinct but in this case I am uncertain.
Another random thought: I am so hungry. I haven’t been feeling well these past few days and I haven’t been able to keep anything down. I don’t want to chance it and end up on the bathroom floor tonight; so I’ll grit and bear it until the morning. Hopefully I will feel better in the AM. I am sitting here listening to Sam Smith and thought that I haven’t posted in a while, so here I am posting random thoughts.
I have a friend that I know has had a crush on me for some time. This friend happens to be a man. He recently brought up the topic again and I told him I still wasn’t interested. I haven’t told him that I don’t date men. I’m not sure why I haven’t told him I’m a lesbian but I also don’t have the urge to. I don’t hide my sexuality, so I have no clue as to the reservation. Even in my days of dating men, he would not be my type, so I can rule out any subconscious feelings for him. He’s a sweet guy and I do not want to hurt his feelings but if he persists, I will have to let him know.
I met my new neighbor a few days ago and she’s smoking hot!!! Unfortunately for me, I don’t shit where I eat; so nothing will ever come of it. These days, I stick to my rules because the last time I broke my rules, that decision came back to bite me in the ass. I have learnt my lesson and learned from my mistake(s). With that, there will be no more breaking of the rules. We are human and we are going to make mistakes, but I will own up to mine.
There comes a time when you have to put your feelings aside and look at situations for what they are. I dated a man for roughly 10 years (on and off). Looking back, I now know he was not worth a minute of my time and he certainly was not worthy of me. To be honest, I really loved him and that was my blindfold. That was the reason I kept giving him chance after chance. I kept letting him back in. Finally, I came to my senses and realized that I had to take love out of the equation. I did not have to continue that relationship for the mere fact that I was in love. Once I made that realization, he suddenly became unworthy and just like that,I was able to walk away and not look back. I know I am rambling but these are some of my random thoughts at 1:30AM
Why am I single? Answer: I am afraid of commitment. I am tired of hugging my pillow at night but I hate sharing my bed. I would love to have someone to cook for, but I only cook what I eat. I am selfish and its my way or the high way. I do as I please regardless of what you have to say. I sometimes do and say things to deliberately piss you off.
Despite my many obvious flaws, I like to think that I am a catch. I have a lot of good qualities that outweigh the bad. I am a sweetheart and I give a mean foot massage. I will make you soup when you’re sick. I will listen to you ramble on even though I am not interested in whatever it is you’re talking about. I will go above and beyond for you even if it means putting myself out. I like cornmeal porridge on Saturday mornings but I will make you eggs. I will get up early to make your tea so you can belch. Its those little things that go unnoticed. I’ll do all of that and more.
Why am I single? Answer: I have yet to find someone that will accept me for me; good and bad.
Question of the Day: How soon is too soon to move in together?
My answer is that a month is definitely too soon. I have ben dating a lovely young lady for a little over a month, and she wants us to move in together. Usually, in situations like this, I would end it and walk away. To me, that’s a red flag, and I pay attention to red flags. This time however, its a bit different. I really like her, and I think we have potential to build something solid. I just think its way too soon for us to be living together. Us as lesbian, we tend to move fast when it comes to relationships but I like to take my time. As much as I try to explain that to her, she has a hard time grasping that for some reason. Her reasoning is that she already does everything for me, so what difference would it make if she was here all the time? That is true, she does take care of me; she cooks, cleans and does a lot of little things to make my day go by without a hitch. For all that she does, I am more than grateful. But the more she talks about it, the more I think she’s crazy! I know I am a good catch but she’s trying too hard to latch on. I have no idea what to do. I like her a lot, but she’s moving too fast for me. I may be overthinking it, as I tend to do everything else.
If you can’t find happiness within yourself, you will never truly be happy. Never allow anyone to define your happiness. That is a lesson I had to learn. I have always done what I thought other people expected me to do; like marrying a man, have babies and build a family. That was what was expected of young girls growing up in Jamaica. I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know that there was more out in the world for me to see. I was 12 years old before I saw a white person and it was not until I moved to the US that I saw two men holding hands. I had generations and generations of heterosexual traditions imbedded in my brain. So when I stared to develop feeling that went against those traditions, I didn’t know what the appropriate response was. Instead , I chose to suppress my attraction towards women. That worked for some time, but the feelings eventually got the best of me. I couldn’t suppress them anymore and that resulted in an internal civil war. If I decided to a upon my feelings, what would my family say or worse, what would they do? So to keep the peace, I suffered. Eventually, I learned to accept me for me. The point I am trying to make is that I had to find and do what makes me happy and stop trying to please others. I am a woman that does not have to be with a man in order to be happy, and I am happy with that. Those same people that you’re am trying to please are sleeping quite comfortable at night while you’re restless and miserable. Something to think about. Find what makes you happy, then do it and live it.
The only thing I love more than being Jamaican is our food. I’ve put a list together of my top 10 favourite Jamaican foods to eat. There are so many to choose from, so some didn’t make the cut. Breadfruit, Oxtail Chocolate tea, callaloo and saltfish, jerk chicken are a few that didn’t make the cut. So forgive me, but I could only choose 10.
10. Chicken Foot Soup
9. Cornmeal porridge
8. Sugar Cane
7. Stew Peas
6. Saltfish Fritters (flittaz)
5. Patty and Cocoa Bread
4. Fry Fish and Festival (Elshire Beach)
3. East Indian Mangoes
2. Curry Goat (with peppa)
1. Ackee and Saltfish
Anyone that trulety knows me, knows that I am a private person. I don’t go aroung flauting my lifestyle nor do I go around telling everyone I am a lesbian. I also don’t hide my sexuality either. My family and close friends know that I am gay, and anyone outside of that circle is on a need to know basis only. There will come a time when you will have to come out to someone that is outside of that circle; a co-worker or a new friend for example. Granted, you are not obligated to divulge personal information to coworkers, but there will come a time where there is no way around it. Take the company Christmas party for example; when you show up with your partner. There will be whispers and there will be questions. My question would be do you tell them before hand or do you just show up? I don’t mean to announce it to the entire company, but more so the folks you work with on an everyday basis. I have purposely avoided social events with my coworkers for this very reason. I am unsure of the reaction I will receive and I don’t want to be stuck in an awkward situation. I don’t mind coming out again because every time I do, its so much easier than the last. My dilemma is when do I do it? Or do I even need to do it at all?
As for new friends, you have that invisible thin line between telling them too soon or too late. If you tell them too soon, they may think you have ulterior motives. On the other hand, if you wait too long to tell them, they may think you don’t value the friendship for you waited so long to tell him or her. For me, If and when I strongly feel that friend will not have an issue with me being a lesbian, that’s when I tell them. If I don’t have that comfort, then I just don’t address it. I remind myself that I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. I’m telling you for the simple fact that I value our relationship; and that’s how I think situations such as those should be approached. It’s not about them, its about you.